I sent this email out to the girls yesterday. We spend an inordinate amount of time talking about pooping. Thought you would all enjoy my pain.
URGENT NEWS UPDATE.
CHOCOLATE MILK STRIKES AGAIN
On the 7 June 2012, around 9 am, I made the unfortunate decision of ingesting Chocolate Milk. Many of you know the tumultuous relationship I have had with Chocolate Milk. On a scale of the Brady Bunch to Lindsay Lohn, CM and I are as rocky as Charlie Sheen during #Winning2011. After the North Carolina debacle, I quit CM completely. I admit, I still thought about it and texted it when I was drunk, but never went down that digestively destructive path again. But as these things do happen, CM is a wily temptress. It kept turning up in unexpected places and it looked good. It was Victoria’s Secret Model good. Gisele and Tom Brady at the MET ball good. Luckily, the last time CM and I had a run in, Hilary was there to talk me out of it. Good friends always have your back. Thanks, Hil.
Well, after about 5 years sober, on this day, a day that will go down in infamy, I caved. I rolled up to the counter of Dunkin Donuts, milk in hand, ordered my blueberry muffin and, despite the judgemental stares and audible whispers, I walked out of that gin hole with my head held high. I fondled that bottle all the way back to my office. Gingerly cupped it as I walked down the hall. And finally, expertly and delicately undid its top. **(Censored for pornographic milk drinking reasons)**
After the requisite post-milk muffin (like a cigarette only for fat kids), I finally felt like myself again. I was where I belonged. CM and I were back and I was ready to make it Facebook official.
I have been shitting my brains out at work for hours now. See, I have suspected that I may be developing a Lactose Intolerance. Not on a Kate level but more of an uncomfortable bloat, discreet farts level. Until today. I am now confident that I have a case of the intolerance. 100%.
I would like to take a moment of silence to remember the lifelong love affair I have had with CM. It was my cafeteria companion on days I bought. It was my reward for the rare moments I behaved with a modicum of human decency. It was my friend. It was my love. Good bye, nectar of the gods.
Ashes to Ashes. Brown to Brown.