I’m not the type of person to jump on book trends. Okay, I kid. When I hear a lot of people are reading a certain book, I always want to see what the fuss is all about. Obviously, if you haven’t heard of 50 Shades of Grey then you are probably like my Mom- a Buddhist Nun. (She really is. Stay tuned for a very special Mother’s Day blog. ) I came home from work a few weeks ago, and my Abuela is asking me if I’ve read this book. ABUELA! She said that she saw it on the news, and it was “very sexy;” she would read it. Thank you News Channel 12 for giving Abuela ideas. I really don’t want her to get a boyfriend NOW. Thanks. A. Million.

We don’t need no water; let the motherf*cker burn.
That is irrelevant, but if Abuela were to take a lova, I hope they wear hats.

From everything I’ve heard about this book, I admit I was intrigued. Joking aside, I dabble in some seriously crazy sexual acts. There was this one time where I did it on a couch instead of my bed. It was a polyester-cotton blend, I think. It was very…hot and dirty- Mostly because the fabric and it was a college couch so probably very dirty, but still. This other time I got on top. Whew, crazy. Way to deviate from the typical Missionary. Am I right? Okay, okay. Clearly, I’m not a sexual lunatic. I wanted to read how the other half lives essentially. I received the free PDF version and uploaded it to my Kindle. I was set. Sweet. I was ready to do some Kindle Clippings and highlight the best quotes, best parts, and most devious acts. Alas…

I always regret jumping on book trends because the books inevitably disappoint me. This book was no different. I read it very quickly. I use the word “read” loosely as I got annoyed with the characters, the writing, the plot, and I started skimming through looking for good words like ‘bondage’ and ‘anal.’ Stacy told me to just “Control F” it and search for words. I searched for whips, chains, pleasure… Needless to say, I’ve compiled some of the greatest moments from this book, so you won’t have to read it- Ever. I accept mall gift cards, brie, and bottles of Pinot Gris as a thank you.

Thank you for saving me the daunting task of sorting through words to get to the juicy stuff.

50 Shades of Grey : OR How to be incredibly creepy and still get laid.

1)      Anastasia Steele’s inner monologue. Okay, I realize that E.L. James is not a writer. She is just someone who appreciated Twilight enough to spawn some fan fiction, or something. However the story goes. I’m not here to judge what may or may not inspire someone. (Ha. I jest.) HEY E.L.-Just a little Writing 101 here, but usually, as a reader, we tend to know what the Narrator is thinking SANS the addition of italicized inner thoughts. You know… because she is telling the story from her point of view…  But, hey. We doubly know what Ms. Steele is thinking throughout the entire, drawn out novel. Gracias. Don’t even get me started on her Inner Goddess monologues. Yes, that’s a real thing.

Some of my favorite internal thoughts are:

Holy hell.

Holy shit.

He is a control freak.

My Inner Goddess is doing the meringue.

I want him to bite my lip- hard.

Oh my. He is touching me THERE.- Yes. THERE. She doesn’t use real names for things like I do. He’s touching your pachanga. Deal with it. 

Oh no… Will it?… How?-  I want to say that this refers to his insertion, but don’t take my word for it.

Don’t look at his mouth.

2)      Christian Grey’s Shopping List and Stalkerish Exploits. Early on in the book, we can pretty much establish that something is off with Christian Grey. Well, I mean everyone can except for Ana, who keeps wondering why he is so intense and controlling. Case in point: Mr. Grey tracks Ana down in some podunk hardware store where she works to stalk her. And to buy some key items like masking tape, cable ties, and rope. Ana thinks he is doing a DIY Project and offers him some “coveralls” to keep his clothes from getting ruined. He replies, “I could take my clothes off.” To any other young girl, this would be a RED FLAG. To Ana, she is turned on. Now, who really is the freak in this story? Ponder that.There is another scene where Ana pulls an “Amelia” and drunk dials Grey from a bar. Shockingly, she is pretty coherent for being as drunk as she claimed to be. She even managed to pee in a toilet. Where is the fun that?  Pee under the stairs at Bill’s Bookstore and we’ll talk about being drunk Ana. WELL, Grey TRACKS HER THE EFF DOWN using some internet app for cell phone tracking. Um, Ana. I don’t know how to break this to you, but he will probably tie you up in a dungeon somewhere. Oh… wait.

3)      The CONTRACT.  It basically maps out everything that Ana will need to know in her sexual romps with Grey. The good stuff. Like a Ten Commandments of S&M if you will.

Thou Shall be Obedient.

Thou Shall Eat Healthy and Exercise.

Thou Shall Keep Yourself Waxed.

**These are just to name a few. Please refer to Pages 76-78. This has actually inspired me to create my OWN contract.

Amelia’s Contract:

Thou Shall NOT Use my Toes in any Weird Manner.

Thou Shall Watch Precisely Two Hours of Real Housewives with me each week. *This does not include “Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding.”

Thou Shall Not Interrupt Me while I’m in the Bathroom.

Thou Shall Not Enter Me in the Morning.

4)      Christian Grey’s Stereotypical Past. I wish Christian Grey came from a solid home with both parents and all that good stuff. I rolled my eyes when I learn that he came from a “crack whore.” His words, not mine. I use “Crack Whore” as a term of endearment, but I’m thinking Grey actually was birthed out of Courtney Love. How lame and uninteresting. How cliché. There you have it. He had a messed up childhood, and now, he likes tying people up and forcing them to submit to his every whim via a signed contract. He is a businessman after all. And… drum roll please for the greatest quote from Grey… “I’m 50 shades of fucked up.” No. Shit. I am missing the sensitivity chip, I suppose. I would say I am more like 5 shades of fucked up. Like beige, mother of pearl, egg shell, warm neutral, and taupe.

Christian Grey is my love child.

Bondage, Bondage, Bondage. LOVE IT. There are riding crops, leather ties, saddles: all things a stand up Equestrian would appreciate. It’s like the Kentucky Derby everyday minus the mint juleps and fancy hats. Maybe I should add that into my contract? Thou Shall Wear Hats. Anyway, Ana takes a HUGE leap from Virgin to the Submissive. I think she says that she has kissed like two guys and all of a sudden she is getting spanked and tied up. At least I kissed four guys before I moved to the couch versus the bed. Whore. See what happens when a stupid girl is swept away by a creepy man with money? She climaxes every three seconds, she gets to live in a mansion, she… Wait. It doesn’t seem that bad…

I’m on my way to Christian Grey’s house.

 Would I give this book to my friends? Of course. I already mass-emailed them the free PDF version. Would I tell them to read it? No. Oddly enough, this story of the TV Executive who wrote some fan fiction has inspired me to pen my first novel. I have some Driving Miss Daisy fan fiction that I should revisit.

By the way, I’m back bitches from my hiatus.