I’ve been a member of the Facebook community since the inaugural class- 2004. Back when you needed the .edu email address to join; essentially when it was college cool kids running it. It was a simpler time. You could poke each other, write on the Facebook walls of your friends, and send messages. There weren’t status updates, games to play, different apps, etc. Over the years, Facebook has grown to be a worldwide phenomenon- THE Social Networking site to join. Everyone can join it. That’s cool, I guess. I learn so much about my friends now. Very important things like whether they are Team Edward or Team Jacob, if they went to see Hunger Games at Midnight last night,  and important milestones like engagements, marriages, and babies.  I connect with family, friends that I haven’t seen in a while, and coworkers. Kudos for that, but with the good come the bad.  Facebook is a public forum for stupidity and ignorance. Please follow my simple rules for prime Facebook etiquette and the world will be a happier place.

All my single ladies... All my single Ladies...

1)      We get it; you’re single. I’m single too. It sucks, but the difference between my situation and your situation is your big, fat attitude.  Join the club of a million single girls. We can get lonely, we can obsess about the wrong guy, and we may or may not eat our weight in feelings.  We all want to have a “happy ending,” but posting about your miserable existence as a single lady on Facebook all the live-long day will get you NO WHERE. I repeat, NO WHERE. Watch The Notebook with your best girlfriends and drink bottles of Arbor Mist. That’s what I did, and I turned out fine.  (Look, Ma! I’m blogging.) I mean, look at Carrie Bradshaw. She’s the quintessential single girl. Oh- she got married? To Big? And they moved into a penthouse? Oh, not the penthouse, but the floor directly below the penthouse. See? Not everyone has a fairy tale ending.  It will be okay; trust me.

Here I am. Here I am. No, here I am. Here I am now.

2)      Please. Stop. Checking. In. Everywhere. Or, depending on who you are, continue. This is a Catch-22 of sorts. On one hand, I want to know where you are so I can avoid seeing you at all costs. On the other hand, I am ABOUT TO TAKE YOU OFF OF MY NEWSFEED and run the risk of seeing you in public. I don’t need to know that you’ve checked into the gym every single day this week. You are on a fitness regimen? I bet your thumbs are super fit what with all the Facebook checking in you are doing. They can probably bench press a toothpick. Just so you know- if you put half the time you are putting in on Facebook talking about your new fitness regimen, you wouldn’t NEED a fitness regimen. Oh, wait. You’ve previously checked into Chipotle a dozen times in the last two weeks? Point taken. I know everywhere you go; everything you do. I’m a somewhat normal person, but can you imagine if, oh I don’t know, say a SERIAL KILLER knew this? Think it over.  I have a good friend that does this. Matt- if you are reading this- don’t get killed. Four square isn’t worth it.

You tell them, Girlfriend.

3)      Thank you for linking your Twitter feed to Facebook. Now I get to read about four or five inspirational quotes a day. Are you quoting direct passages from “The Secret?”  I don’t need lipstick to make me look beautiful, really? LAME.

If you love something, let it go… Love the life you live… The caterpillar turned into a butterfly…There’s no easy way from the Earth to the Stars…

This was just today. It seems like you are teetering back and forth between a full-on emotional breakdown or opening a Hallmark store. I picture you writing affirmations on your mirror with your lipstick and reading them aloud in a crazed fashion. You may need these quotes to get through each day, but no one else does, and if they do, start a Facebook group and post them there. Maybe take them off your timeline. Yes, hide them. Why am I friends with this person? If I read that quote about dancing like no one is watching one more time…

"Darling, I've never once picked up a Golf Club before you. I love you." "Let's go check out my 9-Iron, and Facebook about it."

4)      Yay! You are in a new relationship. It’s fun, it’s romantic, he’s gorgeous, and it’s all over my newsfeed.  I’m so happy that you are no longer one a G.L.U. (Girls Like Us. Thanks, Stacy. Stacy SHOUT OUT!) G.L.U. = Single. I love going through the millions of pictures of you and your new Beau.  I love the paragraphs upon paragraphs professing your undying love for him. Oh- he liked your comment. Nice. He even went to the Twilight movie with you? That’s true love right there. I really do hope for the best for you two. I can tell that these last two weeks of your life have been the most passionate. This leads to my #5 peeve…

Thank you, Life. This saying has made everything better. Let me share it with everyone on my status.

5)      The BREAK UP. Whatever happened to getting drunk with your best friends and unloading your emotional baggage on them? I’m not insensitive by any means, although by now you may think otherwise, but I think break ups are personal. The pain and anguish brought on by a break up should be journaled about in the privacy of your bedroom with Celine Dion blasting in the background and a box of your best wine.  Or, you can be like me. Pretend that you don’t care and hide it in the back of your brain forever, and then, continue about your normal life with minor meltdowns (only in the confidence of your true friends) here and there. It’s super healthy. Try that.

These are the major pet peeves I have with people posting on Facebook. Minor ones include posting about religious ideologies, your anti-depressant habits (it happens), your ignorant views on World News, and your baby doing EVERYTHING. There are only 3 babies I keep on my newsfeed- Karter, Isaac, and Little AJ. Isaac likes to take everything away from his Mom and sit in the dishwasher. FACT.  AJ wears baby graphic tees and has the cutest chubby cheeks. Karter is my little baby Cousin and rocks swimwear like no other. These kids I love; your child will be hidden from my newsfeed in T-Minus five seconds.