T and A. Tara and Amelia. Duh.

Willkommen.  So, when my bestie told me she was starting a blog I immediately knew I had to be a part of this.  How else could I spread my message of unmitigated cynicism and unchecked judgment to the masses?  Perfektenschlaag.   There is a lot of luring and trickery that goes into a first post. Typically it’s all about the audience.  What do YOU want to read?  Not here.  Nope.  I’m going to start off critical, bitchy, and most definitely offensive.  Sorry, I’m not sorry. 

Stick out your tongue and say "apples"

Apples to Apples.  Now this game is near and dear to my heart.  I was first introduced to this gem sophomore year of college by my friend – Milliedred.  Sure, I was skeptical at first.  Is this game Beer Pong? Flip cup? Quarters? F*ck the Dealer?  Nope. Uh uh. Negative. None of those.  It is a child’s game to be played at family gatherings and ten-year-old’s birthday parties.  “This is college.”  If I’m not fulfilling my role as booze hound, I’m not interested.  But wait…There’s a TWIST.  You can play this game AND consume liver wrenching amounts of Natty.  IN. 

The premise of the game is simple, unless you are a ritard. I hope you aren’t a ritard.  Each player holds seven red cards (nouns – proper, common, you name it) when a green card (adjective) is thrown down. Each player puts a red card face down that they believe is best described by the green card.  The person that throws down the green card collects the red cards and chooses the one they think is most accurate.   If you don’t know, now you know… 

Before I go any further, I realize the concept of adjectives and nouns might be a little tricky for the average American.  I know we learned basic English grammar around fourth grade (second if you went to a fancy private school like me. NBD) but how can people be expected to remember something as mundane as simple rules for the language we speak on the erryday.   Foolish.   

Actual conversation:

    “What’s an adjective?”

    Best stink face I can muster. “It’s a DESCRIPTION word.”  Stink face, stink face.

    “You’re a dick.”

    “No.  That’s a noun.” 

My solution: If you don’t know what nouns, adjectives, or heck let’s throw in verbs for good measure, are by the time you are ten (and I’m being generous) then you are not allowed to play this game.  Get outta here. 

Here’s my next problem with the game.  I take that back. Again, I don’t have a problem with the game.  I have a problem with the douche pistols that play the game.  Unless you ARE at a family gathering or ARE a ten year old at her birthday party, this game should not be taken seriously or appropriately.  For example:   Green Card = Speedy/Obvious Red Card Winner = Hiroshima.  Green Card = Efficient/Obvious Red Card Winner = John Wilkes Booth.  Don’t get your panties in a bunch.  Not only am I being painfully, historically accurate in my card choices, I am being effin hilarious.  Just ask me or the pile of green cards I’m slowly collecting.  Winner, winner, chicken dinner. 

It should also be noted that, when playing with me, there are two trump cards out there.  Anyone who knows me knows that these are the two diamond beauties: Anne Frank and Hellen Keller.  Why? Because I can’t tell them apart.  It’s a very specific form of Dyslexia.  Professional counsel has not helped.  I deal. 

Anne Keller

My solution:   If you have the sense of humor of a sauerkraut sandwich and miss the subtle victory of humor that is both wildly inappropriate and simultaneously offensive then you are not allowed to play this game.  Get outta here. 

I think if people heed the quips and witticisms of experts (two thumbs and this guy) then the world will be a better place and Apples to Apples will soon be the American pastime of the grammatically elite. 

Deuces, Nerds. 

“I couldn’t possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!” ~ Russell Brand

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